Dayglow, Guilt, and Broken Resolutions

Behold: me post-Dayglow. I don’t have as many good pictures as I’ve hoped, because in almost all the early ones I’m way too drunk blacked out. There’s a specific look my eyes get when I’m blacked out, and it’s not pretty.

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Truth be told, I’m pretty unhappy with myself. I have a hard time relating to the guilt people express from “cheating” on a diet or going over their calories or just drinking alcohol in general. Those things honestly don’t make me feel guilty or bad. But this does. Not blacking out was my New Years resolution and I broke it. I love to drink and party and yes I do like getting drunk and I think I’m a fun drunk to be around–but I’m not fun blacked out. I do stuff that’s crazy and dangerous, I do and say things that I regret, I’ve lost my phone/wallet/keys numerous times, I’ve gotten into verbal fights that have nearly destroyed friendships, I’ve been kicked out of bars a couple times, once I even went to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

I know this makes me sound like a crazy alcoholic, but the thing is this is pretty normal at my college (a big state school that’s definitely a party school) and especially among my group of friends. When I started college, my idea of pregaming was one or two, or maybe three drinks or shots before going out for the night. That quickly got revised to six, eight, ten shots. I had a group of 15 or 20 friends on my floor and we’d pregame and go to the bars or a frat party two or three nights a week. I loved the whole process–getting dressed up, mixing drinks, blaring music, running from room to room taking shots and sampling each other’s alcohol. It was considered the norm that someone would black out (often we drank with the intent of blacking out), someone would be throwing up, someone wouldn’t make it out, someone would do something absolutely ridiculous. The next day we’d sit around comparing notes and nursing hangovers until it was time to start drinking again. Again my group of friends wasn’t abnormally wild–I lived in the Honors dorm and about half of us were in the honors college, most of us were A and B students with majors like business, engineering, and pre-med. This was what people did.

However what’s considered normal as an 18 year old freshman is a lot less understandable as 20-21 year old upperclassman, and infinitely less acceptable post-college–that would be what we like to call alcoholism. The older I got, less that kind of crazy partying appealed to me–honestly it just got old, not to mention that I discovered it was MUCH easier to maintain my weight when I was drinking one night a week instead of three. And while I was never going to give up partying altogether, I was through with blacking out. My New Years resolution was to avoid blacking out, and I kept it–until last night.

In my defense, I wasn’t intending to get that drunk and I didn’t drink THAT much–just 1.5 four lokos to pregame. I have a very high tolerance normally but it must have just been something about the four lokos that affected me strongly. As far as I can tell, I didn’t actually do anything problematic–nothing got lost, no embarrassing phone calls, texts, or facebook statuses (beyond a few “I miss you” type texts to the guy I’m talking to which normally would be mortifying but he seemed to like them). And I sobered up through the night, still had a great time, and overall it turned out fine. But it’s the principal of the thing–there’s still that sinking feeling when you wake up not knowing what you did or said, and I’m mad at myself for breaking my resolution when it’s only April.

Also should note that by the time I got back to my apartment I was already hungover which is a horrible feeling at 2am. I ate an apple with a shit-ton of peanut butter (like 1/4-1/3 a jar) and felt SO sick afterwards as well as when I woke up this morning. I actually hadn’t had PB in six weeks since the LAST time I ate it while drunk, and I think I’ve pretty much ruined it for myself. All I’ve had today is a smoothie and protein bar because nothing sounds good and I’m too lazy to get up and feed myself, and all I’ve done today is lie around, watch TV (GCB, Once Upon a Time, and a new show–Scandal), and tumble even though I NEED to do laundry, clean my disaster zone of a bedroom, and catch up on homework. I’m about to drag my butt to the gym to get some fresh air and get in a workout before it closes at midnight, and hopefully I’ll think of something that sounds appealing to eat for dinner.

Just remind me NEVER to drink more than one four lokos ever again.

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One Response

  1. 4 Loko? That explains the blackout. Remember when two beers would make you sufficiently tipsy? The good old days…

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